The Lodger
Series 5 Episode 11
There's a house on Aickman Road, and a staircase that people go up, but never down. To solve the mystery of the man upstairs, the Doctor faces his greatest challenge yet - he must pass himself off as a perfectly normal human being, and share a flat with Craig Owens.
Trivia
  • This episode is loosely based on the comic strip of the same name, also written by Gareth Roberts, which appeared in Doctor Who Magazine in 2007. In that, the Tenth Doctor was forced to share a flat with Mickey Smith while Rose was stuck in the TARDIS.
  • Rumoured titles for this episode included 'Reality Check' and 'Don't Go Up The Stairs'.
Memorable Quotes
  • Craig: So what's the plan tonight? Pizza, booze, telly?
    Sophie: Yeah, pizza, booze, telly.
  • Sophie: You put the advert up yet?
    Craig: Yeah, did it today. Paper shop window. "One furnished room available immediately, shared kitchen, bathroom, with 27 year old male, non-smoker, £400 pcm - per calendar month - suit young professional."
    Sophie: Mmm, sounds ideal. That's your mission in life, Craig. Find me a man!
    Craig: Yeah, otherwise you'll have to settle for me.
    Sophie: You'll have to settle for me first.
  • Craig: (Opens door) I love you!
    The Doctor: Well, that's good, 'cause I'm your new lodger. Do you know, this is going to be easier than I expected!
  • Craig: But I only just put the advert up today. I didn't put my address.
    The Doctor: Well, aren't you lucky I came along? More lucky than you know. Less of a young professional, more of an ancient amateur. But frankly I'm an absolute dream.
  • The Doctor: Don't spend it all on sweets. Unless you like sweets. I like sweets.
  • The Doctor: I'm the Doctor. Well, they call me the Doctor. I don't know why. I call me the Doctor too. Still don't know why...
  • The Doctor: This is the most beautiful parlour I have ever seen! You're obviously a man of impeccable taste. I can stay, Craig, can't I? Say I can.
    Craig: You haven't even seen the room.
    The Doctor: The room?
    Craig: Your room.
    The Doctor: My room? Oh yes. My room. My room! Take me to my room!
  • Craig: Is that a reference from the Archbishop of Canterbury!?
    The Doctor: I'm his special favourite. Ssh!
  • The Doctor: So, who's the girl on the fridge?
    Craig: My friend. Sophie.
    The Doctor: Girlfriend?
    Craig: A friend who's a girl. There's nothing going on.
    The Doctor: Ah, that's completely normal. Works for me!
  • Craig: Why am I telling you this? I don't even know you!
    The Doctor: Well, I've got one of those faces. People never stop blurting out their plans while I'm around.
  • Craig: Where did you learn to cook?
    The Doctor: Paris, in the 18th century. No, hang on. That's not recent, is it? 17th? No, no, no... 20th. Sorry. I'm not used to doing them in the right order.
    Craig: Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit weird?
    The Doctor: They never really stop.
  • Craig: I'm not much of a traveller.
    The Doctor: I can tell from your sofa.
    Craig: My sofa?
    The Doctor: You're starting to look like it.
  • Craig: These are your keys.
    The Doctor: I can stay?
    Craig: Yeah, you're weird and you can cook. It's good enough for me!
  • The Doctor: My door. My place. My gaff! Haha. Yes! Me with a key.
    Craig: And listen, Mark and I, we had an arrangement where if you ever need me out of your hair, just give me a shout, ok?
    The Doctor: Why would I want that?
    Craig: In case you want to bring someone round. A girlfriend or... a boyfriend?
    The Doctor: Oh, I will. I'll shout if that happens. Yes. Something like... "I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS!"
  • The Doctor: Earth to Pond, Earth to Pond. Come in, Pond.
  • The Doctor: I don't know what it is yet. Anything that can stop the TARDIS from landing is big. Scary big!
  • The Doctor: All I've got to do is pass as an ordinary human being. Simple! What could possibly go wong?
    Amy: Have you seen you?
    The Doctor: So you're just going to be snide? No helpful hints?
    Amy: Hmm. Well, here's one... Bow tie. Get rid.
    The Doctor: Bow ties are cool.
  • The Doctor: Come on, Amy. I'm a normal bloke. Tell me what normal blokes do.
    Amy: They watch telly, they play football, they go down the pub.
    The Doctor: I could do those things! I don't, but I could!
  • Craig: How long are you going to be in there?
    The Doctor: Oh, sorry. I like a good soak!
  • The Doctor: Football's the one with the sticks, isn't it?
  • Craig: What are you actually called? What's your proper name?
    The Doctor: Just call me the Doctor.
    Craig: I can't go up to these guys and go, "Hey, this is my new flatmate, he's called the Doctor"!
    The Doctor: Why not?
    Craig: 'Cause it's weird!
  • Sean: Where are you strongest?
    The Doctor: Arms.
    Craig: No, he means, what position? On the field?
    The Doctor: Not sure. The front? The side? Below?
    Sean: Are you any good though?
    The Doctor: Let's find out!
  • Sean: You are so on the team! Next week we've got the Crown and Anchor, we'll annihilate them!
    The Doctor: Annihilate? No! No violence, do you understand me? Not while I'm around. Not today, not ever. I'm the Doctor, the Oncoming Storm... and you basically meant beat them in a football match, didn't you?
    Sean: ... Yeah.
    The Doctor: Lovely! What sort of time?
  • Sophie: 'Cause life can seem pointless, you know, Doctor? Work, weekend, work, weekend... And there's six billion people on the planet doing pretty much the same.
    The Doctor: Six billion people? Watching you two at work, I'm starting to wonder where they all come from...
  • The Doctor: What do you really want to do?
    Sophie: Don't laugh. I only ever told Craig about it. I want to work looking after animals. Maybe abroad? I saw this orangutan sanctuary on telly.
    The Doctor: What's stopping you?
    Craig: She can't. You need loads of qualifications.
    Sophie: Yeah, true. Plus it's scary! Everyone I know lives round here. Like, Craig got offered a job in London, better money, didn't take it.
    Craig: What's wrong with staying here? I can't see the point of London.
    The Doctor: Well, perhaps that's you then. Perhaps you'll just have to stay here, secure and a little bit miserable until the day you drop. Better than trying and failing, eh?
    Sophie: You think I'd fail?
    The Doctor: Everybody's got dreams, Sophie. Very few are going to achieve them, so why pretend? Perhaps, in the whole wide universe, a call centre is where you should be?
    Sophie: Why are you saying that? That's... horrible!
    The Doctor: Is it true?
    Sophie: Of course it's not true! I'm not staying in a call centre all my life, I can do anything I want! ... Oh! Yeah! Right! Oh, my God! Did you see what he just did?
    Craig: No, sorry, what's happening? Are you going to live with monkeys now?
    The Doctor: It's a big old world, Sophie. Work out what's really keeping you here, eh?
  • The Doctor: I can't leave this place. I'm like you, I can't see the point of anywhere else. Madrid!? Ha, what a dump! I have to stay!
    Craig: No you don't! You have to leave!
  • Amy: Are you upstairs?
    The Doctor: Just going in.
    Amy: No, but you can't be upstairs!
    The Doctor: Of course I can be upstairs!
  • Amy: No! I've got the plans. You cannot be upstairs! It's a one-storey building. There is no upstairs!
  • The Doctor: It doesn't want everyone, Craig, it didn't want you!
    Craig: I spoke to him and he said I couldn't help him!
    The Doctor: It didn't want Sophie before today but now it does. Why, what's changed!? No! I gave her the idea of leaving! It's the machine that needs to leave. It wants people who want an escape, and you don't want to leave, Craig. You're Mr Sofa Man!
  • The Doctor: Craig, you can shut down the engine! Put your hand on the panel and concentrate on why you want to stay!
    Sophie: Craig, no!
    Craig: Will it work!?
    The Doctor: Yes!
    Craig: Are you sure!?
    The Doctor: Yes!
    Craig: Is that a lie!?
    The Doctor: Of course it's a lie!
    Craig: It's good enough for me! Geronimo!
  • The Doctor: Craig, what's keeping you here? Think about everything that makes you want to stay here! Why don't you want to leave!?
    Craig: Sophie! And I don't want to leave Sophie! I can't leave Sophie! I love Sophie!
    Sophie: I love you too, Craig, you idiot!
  • Craig: Honestly, do you mean that?
    Sophie: Of course I mean it! Do you mean it?
    Craig: I've always meant it! Seriously though, do you mean it?
    Sophie: Yes!
    Amy: Ugh!
  • The Doctor: Craig, the planet's about to burn! For God's sake, kiss the girl!
    Amy: Kiss the girl!
  • Craig: So, have we spoiled our friendship then?
    Sophie: Totally ruined it.
    Craig: And what about the monkeys? We could save them together, you know. Do whatever we want. I could see the point of Paris if you were there with me.
    Sophie: First let's destroy our friendship completely...
  • The Doctor: 'Cause I might pop back soon, have another little stay.
    Craig: No you won't. I've been in your head, remember?
  • The Doctor: Thank you, Craig.
    Craig: Thank you, Doctor.
  • The Doctor: Now then... 6,000,400,026 people in the world. That's the number to beat.
  • Amy: Right little matchmaker, aren't you? Can't you find me a fella?
Series 5 Volume 4 DVD DVD & Blu-ray
Doctor Who Series 5, Volume 4

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